Lain
by nibun
Summary: Updated 8/23/02 - prologue revised! I've revised the story, please read the notes in prologue. Duo sets out to find the real Heero Yuy lurking beneath the Perfect Soldier. Will have shounen-ai / yaoi in the future (1x2x1).
1. Prologue

**PLEASE READ**: This fic has been stuck for a _long_ time, so I've decided to revise it. I don't have a lot of knowledge of the wars and certain events that happened during them, neither am I good at action scenes or conjuring up excuses for Heero and Duo to be alone and without fighting for a couple weeks in the middle of a war. So, I've set the fic after the wars instead. I've tweaked some sentences and such, and added and / or changed some scenes, so I'm posting the revised edition. **ONLY** read what I've mentioned as being updated, otherwise the story may not make sense. 

Author: nibun (nibun @ pacbell.net)  
Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!  
Warnings: Very mild shounen-ai, POV, slight language  
Rating: PG?  
Pairings: Very slight 2+1 (as of rite now)  
Archive: My few meager fics can be found at Fanfiction.net, under the name nibun.  
Feedback: As necessary to live as breathing and 1x2x1ness. ^_^ One-liners and whatever go to nibun @ pacbell.net.  
Notes: As some of you know, I found the word lain at one source to mean "straightforwardness", but nowhere else. I think the plot of this story isn't going to deal so much with straightforwardness as I once thought it was, but I'd like to keep Lain as the title anyway. I just like the way it sounds. *sweatdrop* And it's my story so biiiiidah! XD XD   


Lain ~ Prologue  
Created: 8/15/01 Completed: 8/20/01  
Revised: 8/22/02 

I feel his eyes on me again. This time he's almost directly behind me; watching my reflection in the laptop's screen, perhaps? Or maybe he's studying the back of my head and shoulders with those bemused violet eyes of his. Either way, the feel of his gaze boring into me is unnerving. It's become more familiar since he began his little quest a few days ago, but the sensation still agitates me. I can feel the hairs all over my body stand on end, his breath a damp warmth rolling over the skin of my neck. I think he knows what he's doing to me, and that scares me. Yes, me, the so-called "Perfect Soldier." That title is bullshit, just like the persona that goes along with it. The danger in this situation lies in the fact that he realizes this, and he's doing his damnedest to prove it. 

He's trying to break me. And you know what frightens me the most? 

It's working. 

*** 

I'm a curious person. I see something new, meet someone I don't understand, and I want to know what they're like, their history, how they think. I talk, ask questions, do research, whatever it takes. And usually I'm received somewhat amiably. 

But not in this case. With Heero, I can't just ask a question and get a straight answer. Even if I ask him something as simple as his favorite food he'll just raise his eyebrow and glare, wondering why I would question him about something so trivial. But really, even the little things are important. They can tell you about a person, give you a vague idea of who they are. It's just that the larger questions will give a direct answer, tell you, "Yeah, _this_ is how and why and who Heero Yuy is." 

And you have to do other things, besides just asking questions. Observation can be the best way to learn about a person. When I watch Heero, I can see the way his muscles shift and tense in reaction to certain things, I can catch the odd glimpse of unfettered emotion that shows in those deep blue eyes of his. Believe me, they are _deep_. They're almost always shuttered, so you can never tell, but in those rare moments when the steel shades are drawn back, there's so many emotions swirling back there that it's impossible to see them all at once. I think that if he kept them open and vulnerable any longer than that split second, I wouldn't be able to tear myself away, and I'd be lost within his eyes perpetually. But then again, I don't think I would want to leave either; that's how deep his eyes are. I could stay an eternity just to learn the blueprints of Heero Yuy's soul, and not care if I ever found my way out. 

So you see, Heero isn't a heartless bastard, though any stranger who happened a glance upon his blank, sometimes even virulent face would beg to differ. He has compassion, more than I think any of us realize. He couldn't kill Relena-ojousan, no matter how hard or how many times he tried, and he didn't kill me either. I was a liability at the time, I wasn't surprised that he came to kill me. Fix the leak before it could cause any damage, you know? But he didn't. And I see no logic in that course of action, no reasonable explanation other than the possibility that he cared. If not for me, then for my life. He didn't kill Relena, even though she knew who he was; I think it's because he realized she was innocent, he knew she wouldn't tell anyone of his identity. I wonder if perhaps he sees some of that same innocence in me. 

But needless to say, Heero doesn't just go around killing everyone in sight. Unless they belong to an enemy, that is. He's already killed so many, I don't see why he would end the lives of those that don't deserve to die. He has a heart, a warm, blood-beating heart, and I have a feeling that it's much bigger than he lets on. 

And so, that's what I'm trying to find out. Who Heero Yuy _really_ is, why he acts as someone else, how he became the way he is. Maybe _he'll_ learn something about himself along the way too. Most likely. All I know is that I want to _know_ him. And I think, I want him to know me too. The thought, the very idea of both of us knowing every little intimate detail of the other's life and mind and soul, stirs something inside of me. And I can't help but wonder why I would want something so intimate with Heero, just that I do; the idea leaves a sort of excited trembling somewhere inside me, an eagerness that makes me swallow and lick my lips in anticipation. The concept intrigues me, _he_ intrigues me. He's an enigma to me, one that I _need_ to figure out. Through everything I have considered him my best friend, even as I know nearly nothing about him; now, I want to know those grueling details of his past, those emotions that lurk behind steeled eyes. 

Heh, perhaps I'll be learning a bit more about myself along the way too. 

But anyway, I've decided on three, no four different courses of action, four different ways to get under his skin, into his eyes, inside of his soul. 

First of all, is to simply watch him, contemplate him, as I'm doing now. I know it irks the hell out of him, I know he feels my eyes boring into him like a physical presence on his skin. And that pleases me, because it's a reaction, it lets me know that I'm getting somewhere inside of him, breaking him. And while the idea of trying to break him seems rather cruel, trust me, it's not as sadistic as it sounds. My goal is to destroy the barriers that surround him, breaking him from the outside in. However, I am almost certain that there is a soft center buried inside there somewhere, so I must tread lightly. One wrong move and everything could backfire, Heero's faith in me, and as such, in anyone who would try to get close to him, shattered. 

Number two is to ask questions, the tried and true method of psychologists everywhere. Subtle or direct, casual or personal, whichever happens to be appropriate at the time. However, there is such a thing as too much curiosity. If I pry too deep, I won't be the cat who gets killed because of it. 

The third is affection. Kind words and compliments, physical contact, whatever. Just to make him feel good about himself, let him know that someone out there cares about him, 'cause they do, I do. I will not lie to him and flatter him with comments that I don't believe are true. But perhaps by him knowing that I do not lie, such actions and words could help him feel better about himself, feel as if he has worth in this world. I have a feeling this boy has known little or no love in his lifetime, and to be honest, that scares the hell out of me. Even if it was short-lived -- in more ways than one -- I've known love, I've given and received it. I don't think I'd be able to live this life if I'd never experienced it, and it makes me wonder how he can. [1] 

The fourth, is one of the hardest for me to act out. To tell Heero about myself, throw down my own masks and show him how deep my eyes can be. I speak of my past to no one, none know the sanctity of certain things that pervade my every-day life. But when the time is right, I'll show myself to Heero, piece by piece. I'll let him know me, I'll bear every aching inch of my very soul to him, if it should provide him with some source of comfort, if it should make him feel that he is not alone in this world. 

This is how much I want to know Heero Yuy. 

~Tsuzuku~   


[1] This is in reference to Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, etc. He's talking about any kind of love (e.g. familial), not just romantic love. 


	2. Part 1

Author: nibun (nibun@pacbell.net)   
Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!   
Warnings: Mild shounen-ai, POV   
Rating: G / PG?   
Pairings: 1+2+1   
  
Lain ~ Part 1   
Created: 8/23/01 Completed: 11/10/01   
  
  
It started a few days ago, at night, my inability to ignore the curiosity. Ever since I met the guy I've wondered what goes on inside of that head of his, but it began to eat away at me. How could anyone get a glimpse of what lies behind those eyes and not wonder what's happening back there? And it's odd, but I felt some kind of urgency niggling at the back of my mind, a perseverant voice that wouldn't go away. I have a feeling that there's an importance in me doing this; that it's important for him, and important for me as well. That gut instinct helps in spurring me along.   
  
But anyway, as I was saying, I started this little mission of mine a few days ago. I was watching him (which wasn't something new), when one of those tidal waves of emotion came out of nowhere and rolled over me. You know when you're dwelling on something or someone, and suddenly you feel all this love and gratitude for whatever you may have been thinking about? That feeling so strong that you want to laugh and cry at the same time, and just feel that way forever? I was so deliriously happy in those moments, for being able to know Heero, and the rest of the guys. I felt so much gratitude, having these people that I consider my friends, my anchors in the middle of this soul-eating war. They made the pain and darkness seem so much more survivable. Everyone gave me this feeling, but it was strongest from Heero. He was my partner, and I loved him, just as I loved the others, but stronger somehow. I couldn't understand how I could feel so much for him, he being as stoic as he is, but perhaps it was the possibility that someone else existed beneath that solemn persona. I have my own mask, so I can understand Heero using one as well.   
  
And me, I'm not usually one to hold back when it comes to positive emotions. Although, things are a bit different when these emotions involve Heero, but I'm willing to change that. I'll have to change that, if I ever want to see the human being lurking beneath the soldier. So, I got up from my bed, where I had been sitting, and walked up behind him. He was sitting at his laptop, making preparations for a short, simple solo mission he had the next morning. I leaned over and wrapped my arms loosely about his shoulders, laying my head on my upper arm, facing him. I had the silliest grin on my face, I knew, but it was genuine, and it felt good. He tensed beneath me, stopping his flying fingers a moment to turn his head and watch me watch him. He didn't glare exactly, it was more of a pointed, questioning look that said, 'What the hell are you doing?' My mouth just widened until it was impossible for it to stretch any further, my eyes open so he could see the affection I felt inside me. I just watched him for a few moments, reveling in his simple presence. It had felt so good, to be so near to him, I knew I could get used to the feeling so easily. I softened my grin, then tightened my arms and pressed my cheek against his before withdrawing.   
  
"Oyasumi nasai, He~ero," I had said lowly, my voice lilting over his name. He remained there, stiff as a board, fingers resting still as undisturbed air over the keyboard. I smiled to myself one last time before changing into a tank and boxers and climbing into bed; a sad, wistful, yet hopeful smile. Heero seemed so dead to the world, but I knew that wasn't true, and that I was going to do everything I could to bring him to life. Still, it made me so sad that I could actually feel my heart aching in my chest, that he had experienced something to make him like this, that his life had made him like this.   
  
I curled up beneath my covers, wishing more than anything in that moment that I could've just held him against me, that I could heal him and in turn myself. I watched him several moments more, until his fingers started back up. I smiled briefly to myself as I registered how long it had taken him to return to typing on his laptop, realizing he must have been puzzling over something in his mind. Contrary to what one might think, the rhythmic tapping of keys and the soft glow of the screen was rather comforting, when I knew they came from Heero's presence, anyway. I finally closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep that night, lulled by the soft clackings of Heero's fingers against the keys.   
  
  
  
It started a few days ago, Duo's odd behavior. I had a quick mission, two mornings ago now, and I had been sitting at my laptop doing some final research the night before. I'd felt him watching me, as I had a few other times in the past, as I do now. Yet his stare had been one more of contemplation, rather than one meant to sear into my skin. I was used to feeling his eyes on me.   
  
I wasn't, however, used to him - or anyone else for that matter - touching me so blatantly. Physical closeness is unnecessary in all affairs of a soldier, except perhaps for stealing upon an enemy to snap his neck. I have never been touched in a manner anywhere near resembling affection, nor have I ever done the same for anyone else. Even though I could easily hear him coming up behind me, I was shocked at his actions.   
  
But what stunned me even more, was the way it made me feel.   
  
Duo's arms had wrapped about my shoulders loosely, comfortably, as if it was an habitual action he practiced every day. I could feel his eyes on me again, now only scant inches away from my own face, his warm breath wafting against my cheek and neck.   
  
There was something about his presence that I am simply unable to completely explain. It was as if the warmth that he radiated was so deep and endless that it covered my skin and even seeped beneath, filling some hollow place inside of me that I had never noticed before. The feeling was only reinforced as I turned to look at him and his silly grin, somehow managing to keep my gaze frosty under a look so warm.   
  
To be honest, Duo's eyes scared the hell out of me. I was able to identify his expression as an affection of some sort, but I had never imagined that such a look would be cast in my direction. I could feel it pouring from his eyes to cover me, only adding to the warmth that surrounded and invaded me. I felt such confusion and fear in those moments, wondering why, why Duo would look at me that way.   
  
And then I wanted, no, needed him to leave. I didn't want those eyes looking at me, not at me, not like that. Emotions, I have come to realize, are inevitable, especially as a soldier in the middle of a war. But those are emotions like guilt and regret and self-hatred, nothing that will comfort you when you wake up from a nightmare, feelings that can't possibly remain foreign to any true human being who has killed so much as I. I felt afraid of this new, unknown emotion, and it was only my training that allowed my breathing and pulse to remain normal. It was only my training that kept me from either shying away from his cheek pressed against mine or leaning into it, for I don't know which I would have chosen had I not had my training.   
  
He finally left after that, and I breathed an internal sigh of relief, even as something about me felt bereft, even as I waited for my skin to stop tingling. I heard him say good night, in that slightly teasing tone of his, a simple trait of Duo's voice. Yet I could also detect just a hint of that same affection I had seen in his eyes, and I couldn't help but wonder why, why it existed, why it was having such an effect on me. I could feel something inside of me that was telling me to accept it, to let it come, to let it and him into my life, but I ignored it coldly, realizing it wouldn't let itself be extinguished. Feelings that involved others were dangerous, a liability in this war, something that could only get you killed. I refused to give in to those eyes, and I continued typing as if I had never stopped.   
  
But still the voice inside me lived on, whispering to me, telling of its curiosity of what it might feel like to accept and perhaps even return the warmth that Duo had given me.   
  
  
~Tsuzuku~ 


	3. Part 2

Author: nibun (nibun@pacbell.net)  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!  
  
Warnings: Mild shounen-ai, POV, sap, Hee-torture ^.^  
  
Rating: G / PG?  
  
Pairings: 1+2+1  
  
Lain ~ Part 2  
  
Created: 11/11/01 Completed: 11/11/01  
  
  
  
And now, three days later, that voice is still there, whispering to me, and I'm doing my damnedest to ignore it, even though a part of me knows I won't be able to avoid it forever, that I'm just delaying the inevitable. But I don't even want to think about what it will be like when that happens.  
  
After that night, Duo began watching me more often, to a point where its become as familiar as... I don't know. Familiar as my pulse, as Wing's controls beneath my hands. And he's been asking stupid, pointless questions, like what is my favorite color, why is my hair always so messy. I never answer him, just glare and hope he'll leave me alone. In part I do it to keep him away from me, because... I don't know. Answering would be giving in to him, allowing him closer, bringing *me* closer to something I don't truly understand. But really....  
  
I don't have an answer to give. I am a soldier, and all I can ever remember doing in my life is training, learning how to kill, how to survive. And dealing with the guilt that comes along with it. I've never had time to ponder different colors and see which one appeals to me the most, I've never had time to wonder why my hair is the way it is, I simply let it be.  
  
I just am, I realize. The only interaction I've ever had with others involved training or killing or the mission. I exist, I'm like a machine. And... and some part of me, doesn't want to be that way. That little voice in the back of my head doesn't want it. But still, I have to try, try to overcome that voice. I don't know why, but I just... have to....  
  
I realize that I have finished my task on the laptop, and that my hands have clenched themselves into fists. I release them quickly, as if trying to deny their existence. The situation is bad, when I can't even control my own actions. I can only hope that Duo didn't see, because then he'll realize that he's beginning to succeed.  
  
I put my laptop on standby, as there are no current missions or other messages. I push my chair back slightly, and sit there, silent. As long as the missions are stagnant, I have nothing to do. I just sit, sometimes, when I'm alone, or if Duo's in the room perhaps I'll type on my laptop, pretending to do something important so he won't bother me. But now it doesn't really matter, and I'm not in the mood to put up an appearance. Sometimes I wonder why I ever do, what makes me feel the need to pretend.  
  
Several minutes are spent in silence as I stare forward at the blank screen, Duo's eyes in turn watching me. The silence coming from Duo is a bit unnerving, as neither of us are busy. The ringing is finally disturbed as he says my name.  
  
"Heero."  
  
I turn around and, in what I suppose is a bold move in this particular situation, meet his gaze. I say nothing.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
I continue to look at him, an eyebrow raised minutely, the answer apparent in my eyes.  
  
'Nothing, what does it look like?'  
  
He is quieted a moment by that. Then he asks another question.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
I have an answer and give it to him immediately.  
  
"There are no missions, therefore there is nothing that needs to be accomplished."  
  
I don't know how I am expecting him to react to my words, but it certainly wasn't the way he does. His eyes, they look... hurt, as if he's in pain, but not a physical one. That's something else I can recognize, something I am all too familiar with.  
  
I'm surprised yet again as he gets up from the bed and kneels in front of me, crossing his arms on my knees. Something tells me I'll have to get used to his touch as well as his gaze. He leans forward slightly and I lean back, wary of his intentions; I can feel my body tensing.  
  
But then his face turns up and I can see his eyes more clearly, and though I fight it, my body tries to stop breathing.  
  
Ever since three days ago, Duo's eyes have been completely open. Around the others he acts as he always does, cheerful and happy-go-lucky. But whenever we're alone, he lets his emotions show in his eyes, as if he's giving a gift that's just for me.  
  
And right now I can see everything in his eyes. I search but I find no pity or disgust, only a pure, overwhelming pain. I can feel it now, too. It's odd, but I can never keep from feeling the effects of whatever I see in Duo's eyes, and it makes me so confused, why he's hurting so much, and why I want it to stop. I dislike this feeling, I hate being uncertain, I hate seeing him like this and not knowing why, I hate not being sure of anything. In war if a situation is uncertain, I can do calculations, I can strategize to figure out the truth, come up with a solution. But when it comes to emotions, and Duo, I have no idea what to do. My knowledge of each is vague at best; to be able to comprehend both of them together seems nearly impossible.  
  
His eyes bore into me and I have to press my hands into my lap, because I'm not sure that they won't shake if I don't. I feel myself stop breathing against my will as he begins to lift one of his hands toward my face.  
  
I take in a quick breath of air as his fingertips burn against my skin, only for it to hold again inside of me. He speaks slowly and quietly, his voice and eyes burning as much as his touch.  
  
"There's more to life, Heero, more than the war, you need so much to learn and understand that."  
  
He backs off then, finally, and I can feel myself breathe again. Having now gained my coherency, I feel ashamed of my actions, allowing Duo's influence to make me lose control of my body like that. But before I have time to contemplate any further, he sits down beside me on the chair, which is a rather large one, and I am forced to scoot over so that we both fit. He turns us around to face the computer and I am so dazed by everything I feel that I don't complain, even as he begins to use my computer to go on the internet.  
  
I sit quietly for several minutes, wondering what he is doing, wondering why I'm letting him do whatever it is. Finally he comes to a web page that has swatches of different colors on it. I feel his eyes on me so I turn to him and he is grinning.  
  
"You don't have a favorite color, na Hee-chan? Well, why don't we fix that?" I glare at him for calling me that, but he continues as if it were nothing, gesturing to the screen, his tone teasing. "Go ahead, look around, take your time, see if there's anything you like."  
  
I glance at the screen then slightly raise my eyebrow at him. He rolls his eyes back at me.  
  
"Oh come on Heero, it may seem stupid, but just try it. Please?"  
  
I glare at him again, but look back at the screen anyway. It has just the basic colors, and I try to find one that appeals to me the most, despite how childish I feel. That one's too bright, that one too racy. Hn, that color is too girly, reminds me of Relena. Those two are kind of nice, general colors. But... but that one, there's something about it; it seems familiar, comfortable. I like it.  
  
I can't help but blink as I realize I actually made a choice about something unrelated to the war, something so trivial that it really didn't matter. But maybe it means more than it seems.  
  
I lift my hand and point to it, turning to face Duo as I do so. "That one."  
  
He looks at my choice then raises his brows at me. "Purple?"  
  
At his skeptical tone I feel my eyes draw completely shut and I scowl, turning away from him as much as I can being in the same chair with him. He moves hastily, putting his hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Oi, there's nothing wrong with it! I just didn't expect you to like purple of all colors. I thought you would go for blue or green or somethin', those seem to be the most popular ones. But purple's cool, it's one of my favorites too, along with black and red that is."  
  
I'm feeling stubborn and embarrassed so I stand up quickly, only to be pulled back down by Duo's hand. I turn to glare at him, but it has no effect.  
  
"Oi, stop it. Purple's a great color. I'm just glad you actually chose something. Now in the future when someone asks you your favorite color, you'll have an answer for them, na Hee-chan?"  
  
I remain silent as he grins at me, his eyes beginning to soften. His arms wrap around me briefly and squeeze, holding me tight for a mere second. I do not return the embrace, for I'm not sure if I would be able to keep from shaking if I moved the tiniest bit. This effect he has on me angers as well as scares me.  
  
He releases me with a final affectionate smile, one of the ones that sends my mind into a confused jumble, and we get ready for bed. As I'm climbing beneath the covers, I pause a moment, then say quietly, "Arigatou."  
  
I only see his eyes glinting in the moonlight, but I can hear the heartfelt sincerity in his voice as he replies.  
  
"Any time Heero, any time at all."  
  
As I lay in bed, beginning to fall asleep, I realize for the first time that the color I chose was the same as that of Duo's eyes.  
  
  
  
~Tsuzuku~ 


	4. Part 3

Author: nibun (nibun@pacbell.net)  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!  
  
Warnings: Mild shounen-ai, POV, sap, mild Hee-torture ^.^  
  
Rating: G / PG?  
  
Pairings: 1+2+1  
  
  
  
Lain ~ Part 3  
  
Created: 12/2/01 Completed: 12/9/01  
  
I don't think I've ever felt this... giddy before. Well, I'm sure I have, but it's never been over something so important. I'm making progress, I'm helping Heero to be more human. And that was fun, too, helping him pick a favorite color. It still puzzles me as to why he chose *purple* of all colors, but I really don't care, so long as it made him think about something besides the war. I can't help but imagine all the other things he could do, how he would look when he smiles, what it would be like to hear him laugh for joy and not for the victory of battle. I can feel a grin stretching my face at the thought of it. I know I can do it, I *know* I can help him live, and I can't wait to see the results. I want so much to help him.  
  
As I kneel on my bed to crawl beneath the covers, I hear a quiet voice speak from Heero's side of the room.  
  
"Arigatou."  
  
I look over at him, in the same position as me on his own bed. With a heartfelt look I answer him honestly.  
  
"Any time Heero, any time at all."  
  
As I begin to fall asleep I feel the smile still on my face, and the anticipation for what tomorrow will bring beating in my heart.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
I wake the next morning, stretching leisurely in my bed, rueful as I realize the rays of sun are not shining down into our room. My spirits aren't dampened for long, however, when I think of yesterday, and the possibilities of today. My eyes are still closed as I smile, turning to face Heero's bed, even as I know he will already be up and eating breakfast with the others. I don't stay in bed for long, eager to go see everyone, especially Heero. I walk downstairs after throwing a quick tank top on to go with my boxers. This is one of the more lavish of our safe houses, provided by Quatre of course.  
  
The moment my foot falls on the floor of the kitchen-slash-dining room the tension hits me, and I wonder what the hell is going on. Scanning those present, I see that it seems to have originated from Heero, and I feel my heart sink a little.  
  
I paste a smile on my face before venturing any further, as if I'm oblivious to anything that would be wrong. I greet them loudly as I take my non-designated-yet-designated seat next to Heero.  
  
"Hey guys, how's it goin'? Kinda pasty outside, na?"  
  
The table is silent, and not five seconds after I speak, Heero calmly sets down his fork in an action that seems ridiculously final, and stands up from the table. All our eyes are on him as he walks from the room, a few last words tossed over his shoulder.  
  
"I need to check my computer for missions."  
  
After a few moments of stark silence between the rest of us I turn to the others. Trowa and Wu remain quiet while Quatre shrugs helplessly, his eyes troubled and his bottom lip caught between his teeth.  
  
"I don't know, he was like that since he got down here. Something must be wrong, but I don't know what *could* be wrong with Heero."  
  
That last part makes me frown a bit. The others don't think Heero is *really* the Perfect Soldier, do they? Don't they realize that he can feel too? I mumble something vaguely in excuse as I follow Heero's path up to our room, my mood all but ruined and worry nagging me in the back of my mind.  
  
I turn the knob and open the door, predictably finding him seated at his laptop, fingers flying over the keys. I close the door behind me for privacy then walk over, setting my hand precautiously on his shoulder. His already taut muscles become even more tense and he ceases movement, waiting for me to remove my hand I suppose. Instead I tighten my grasp, worry for him clouding my eyes.  
  
"What's wrong, Heero?" I ask him searchingly, practically holding my breath in wait of a reply.  
  
"Stay away from me."  
  
My hand snaps away at the sheer coldness of his voice and I swallow heavily. I start to feel a tad desperate, wondering what happened to the Heero of yesterday and why he's suddenly disappeared. I find myself unable to think of anything to say; my mind has blanked.  
  
"Heero, I...."  
  
"Just stop it," his voice seems to grind out, "Stop staring at me, stop touching me, stop trying to make me into something that I'm not. If you succeed then I will become a liability, and useless to this war. Emotions such as the ones you provoke are a weakness, a cause for error during battle, and I refuse to let myself be weak when the future of the world rests upon our performance as soldiers."  
  
After several dumbfounded seconds my mind decides to settle back inside of my head, and after rummaging through it a bit I decide on what to say. In want of another chair, I do something that I know will only upset him further, and sit myself sideways upon his lap. I snicker inwardly, able to see how much he wants to just dump me onto the floor. But now is the time to be serious.  
  
"So then, does caring about someone qualify as a weakness as well, Heero?"  
  
"Of course. Caring for the well-being of another can make one falter during battle, and could possibly cause one to make a mistake, endangering their own life or the lives of others. Now get off me."  
  
I of course ignore his last demand. "But can't you also see the good side of it? Being close to people gives you the will to live, so that in that last moment when you think you can't make it you do your damnedest to anyway, just so that you can see them again and so that they won't have to live being sad because you're not there. Don't you realize that even *you* have people that care about you, who would miss you if you were gone? The other three pilots, and of course Relena-ojousan. And me, kitto."  
  
I keep my arms crossed in front of me, legs dangling over the arm rest. I lean my chin on his rigid shoulder, my breath washing over his neck as I continue, my voice soft in a way that I can't seem to control.  
  
"You may not have realized it Hee-man, but you're my best friend. I do care about you, a lot, and it hurts to see you like this." I lift my chin and raise my right hand to his cheek, feeling his clenched jaw beneath my fingertips. "I wish so much that you could be human and happy, and I want so badly to help you. There's nothing wrong with it Heero, nothing at all. You work with four other people who are human themselves. We feel the pain as well as the joy, the simple joy of being alive. You don't even need others to be able to live, you have to live for yourself as well."  
  
I'm staring intently into his face now, as if my gaze can somehow help him understand. "You are *important*, Heero, you are worth something, to yourself as well as to others. You don't exist simply to fight a war and live in misery while helping the universe. Life is to be enjoyed while it's still here. Look at me. I talk and laugh and smile and care about people all the time, and I'm a good pilot, am I not? It's okay to feel, Heero, it's okay to let others in."  
  
I can feel my heart beating in my chest, the atmosphere around us thick and seeming to tingle and pop with some unknown energy. Heero's eyes are uncertain. I see a part of them that seems to sigh with relief and hope, and another part that pushes away from everything that I have said. His mouth is open slightly, as if he's trying to argue with me but can't find the words to do it. I feel hope inflate in my chest, a matching smile gracing my face.  
  
Confusion sets in and I watch as it overwhelms him. He turns his face down and away, his fist clenching tightly by his side. His voice is choked when he finally speaks.  
  
"Ore... I don't...."  
  
I start to panic and my mind races before he can outright refuse me or have a nervous breakdown. Finally I think of a compromise. My voice is a bit hurried as I speak, hoping against hope that he'll agree to what I have in mind.  
  
"Na, Heero, I bet the idea of suddenly becoming human in front of everyone is kinda scary, ne? So why don't we each give a little." I stare at him, my gaze and voice intent as I continue. "Be human for me, just for me, for now. You can still be the soldier around everyone else, but let me help you, let *me* see the real Heero Yuy. You can be open around the others later, but first you have to learn. You have to let yourself be vulnerable sometimes if you want to be happy, Heero. It's that trust that builds relationships between people, it's that trust that will let you be happy. Sometimes it will be broken, but you'll never know if you don't try it out."  
  
I take his clenched fist between my hands, desperate to prove my words to him. "You can trust me Heero, I swear it. I won't mock you, I won't think you weak, I won't betray you. Please, do this for me, but most of all, do it for yourself Heero. Let yourself be happy."  
  
I hold my breath as his eyes waver, on the brink of going one way or the other. Finally, after an eternity of breathless moments, his body sags beneath me, his head lolling against the back of the chair and his hand loosening within my grasp. With eyes closed, he breathes out wearily, "Aa," and I exhale in relief. I find myself sagging against him as well, squeezing his hand as it is so conveniently placed between my own two. I clap his shoulder fondly.  
  
"You won't regret it, Heero, I swear you won't regret it."  
  
  
  
~Tsuzuku~ 


	5. Part 4

Author: nibun (nibun@pacbell.net)  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!  
  
Warnings: Mild shounen-ai, POV, sap  
  
Rating: G  
  
Pairings: 1+2+1  
  
  
  
Lain ~ Part 4  
  
Created: 12/10/01 Completed: 1/2/02  
  
My head falls back against the chair as I give him my weary answer. I feel so drained. I can't believe he was actually able to talk me into it; part of me wants to laugh hysterically at the fact. But part of me feels good too. That's the part of me that wants to live, that wants all the things that Duo told me about. Still I feel crazy for agreeing, but...  
  
I want this. I hate more than anything to admit it to myself, and I want nothing more than to deny it, but it's true.... Che, I can't believe it, can't believe it at all, I must be insane....  
  
Duo is leaning against me now, not having moved from my lap, and I wonder at that. My mind is fighting with me, trying to get me to push him off, but I feel so comfortable that I tense in indecision. I guess he feels it, because he pulls back and looks at me, then smiles.  
  
"It's okay. Try to listen to the voice that you wouldn't normally listen to from now on. Do whatever feels best, whatever feels the most right in *here*, no matter what." His palm is warm against my chest, where it rests over my heart. "Even if you feel stupid, childish, weak, embarrassed, whatever. Just act on what you're feeling, na?"  
  
Even though I feel a number of those things right now I force myself to relax my body. I lean back into the chair, letting the physical and emotional weakness overtake me. My gut tells me that his words are true, that I can trust him. My eyes close and Duo's words remind me of something someone else once told me, something that I never thought I'd be able to fulfill.  
  
'Follow your emotions.'  
  
I think about what Odin said, wondering if it was intended somehow that he would tell me these words, or that Duo and I would be in such a situation as this, where I would need to look back and consider them. Suddenly they carry more impact, when I am shown a world where I may act on what I feel inside, and not what has been trained into me.  
  
I open my eyes and look down at Duo, where he is leaned against my shoulder. His own eyes are closed and he is smiling, a serene look on his face. I don't think that I could discuss my past with him yet; everything is so completely new. But I'd like to, I think, someday soon.  
  
As I watch him, I feel something inside me, something that I think is akin to the affection that I see in his eyes so many times when he looks at me. I don't think I've ever felt it before, so it's hard to say. It feels warm, inside my chest, and I feel like I want to be close to him, as we are now. And I'm content because of it. I'm driven to wonder if he would see what I see in his eyes, in my own, if he were to open them and look up at me now. I swear at myself, partly in jest. What has this boy done to my mind?  
  
Returning from my thoughts I notice that the pattering of rain has started outside. I turn my chair to face the direction of the window, to watch the water slant across the glass. Carefully I pull our weight across the floor, somewhat fascinated. I imagine that watching the rain would be something Duo would enjoy.  
  
Sitting here as I am, gazing upon the landscapes outside, I am suddenly acutely aware of each breath Duo and I take; aware of every tiny move each of us makes, aware of the pulsing sound of our hearts beating, of the coolness of the air seeping through the glass, of the fresh scent caused by the rain. Time seems to slow, every action and detail amplified a hundred- fold to my suddenly awed senses. And during these few elongated seconds, I feel something that I can't quite fully understand. A sense of peace, of knowing that in the end, everything will be right and good. And I see beauty, one thing that I have never truly had the privilege to bear witness to. A beauty that lies in Duo's face, and the way his breath escapes from his parted lips, causing the loose tendrils of his hair to dance; in the drops of water, playing tag as they fall along the clear pane of glass; and in the trees outside, the way the coy wind bids their fingers flirt with one another.  
  
My vision seems to shrink to a pinpoint of light, before bursting in a wild explosion of color, and suddenly the moment is over. I find myself panting, short of breath as if I had just completed some strenuous task. But then, perhaps that is so. Perhaps, it was simply too much for my mind to handle right now. I look down, and I can't believe that Duo appears to be so unaffected by a moment that to me, was something so rare and... and beautiful. Beautiful. He seems to burrow into me and I gasp and flinch, the chair rolling back not an inch. My skin prickles, but is quickly replaced by the warmth that seems to seep from his body into mine. I watch him in confusion, pressing the tips of my fingers softly against his forehead as I realize he has fallen asleep. Duo.... He's the key to this, somehow. Somehow, he is the reason....  
  
I frown and pull my hand away, then lift him up. I carry him over to our beds, and lay him carefully on mine, so I can turn down the covers of his own. I pick him up and set him down once more, pulling the blankets up around him. I sit down across from him on my bed, elbows pressed against my knees, hands folded beneath my chin, and watch him with a curiosity that right now I am unable to repress. His face twists, expression changing from something peaceful to something disturbed; the nightmares of a soldier, I presume.  
  
I think it's then that I truly realize that there's more to Duo than meets the eye. I never contemplated it, even after the determination and compassion and countless other emotions he has displayed, and I am miffed at that fact. He's let me see more of him these last few days than he has ever shown the others, to my knowledge, and now, I think I know a bit how he feels. A curiosity prods at my mind, making me wonder what else there is to Duo Maxwell, since such things as I have seen already exist within him. Perhaps the tables may turn at some point, I muse.  
  
Tilting my head, I debate whether or not to awaken him. It's ten a.m., and certainly not a time to be sleeping. However, there aren't any missions to prepare for or tie up that he needs to worry about. I look once more to the rain outside, and decide to leave him be. Yet, his features are still marred with a frown. I stand automatically and my hand reaches for his face. My touch seems magic, the creases clearing immediately away. I cock my head to the side once more, looking down at him puzzledly, unsure of his actions and reactions. Retreating slowly, I move my chair back to the desk and sit down with a last glance over my shoulder, before turning my attention to my laptop.  
  
~Tsuzuku~ 


End file.
